explore-express-reveal

Here lately I've found myself swinging back and forth yet feeling like I'm standing still and a bit askew. Stagnating. I've been trying to keep myself involved in so many things and gratefully have done so, but in doing so have run myself into the ground energy wise. I really desire to be fully realized but am still unsure of what in/for or how...I know I want to be in creation. My mind is ramped with ideas. I press down on the pedal with one foot then slam on the breaks with the other. My mind thinks of dollar signs, but why should that impede my creative flow? A friend has recently said I should take a vacation and go to the beach. Take some time off and rest, write a show. I believe he is absolutely correct but I don't have a job so to speak so vacation seems a bit out of sorts. I love what I'm doing and in the process have been able to be of service to other people and express myself creatively. This somehow is not enough. That same friend expressed to me that I should think about who I am and how I want people to perceive me and he is right. For most of my career I've been known as an "A" list dancer in Los Angeles. I was fortunate to have a twenty two year dance career that took me all over the world allowing me to share what I love most with tens if not hundreds of thousands of people. I've seen myself dance on TV and on huge movie screens. I've gotten large sums of money for doing what I love and have been blessed with. For this life I am grateful. I am in the re-invention/continuum of my life. I am developing an intense love of editing and film making. I am yearning to direct. I have a desire to curate. I am surrounded by so many other artists that are wanting and needing to explore-express-reveal themselves and their art. I to want this for myself and for them. The quote "The moment in between what you once were and who you are now becoming is where the dance of life really takes place." by Barbara De Angelis are the words I need to keep in mind at this very moment.

What's in a word...

Recovery...look it up in the dictionary and it has several meanings or ways of explaining it. At the moment I am in Los Angeles being witness and helping in whatever way is needed my BFF Dori in her recovery from a surgery to remove a tumor from her brain. I know, shocking! Never thought I would know someone personally that would experience something like this. A brain tumor is something that happens to people on a soap opera like "One Life To Live". But alas someone I've known for 25 years has a scar across her head that is the evidence of this event happening in real life. She's doing well just two weeks after her surgery and I can hardly believe that she had "brain surgery". Of course experiencing something like this makes you think about what life really means. What purpose does your life serve? What can you do with your life now that you've survived this? Seeing Dori going through these feelings makes me think some of the same things. What am I doing with my life? My talent? My compassion? My heart? My love? How can I learn from what others have gone through? Who am I? Why am I? I know I've expressed this same thing in blog form before and it's strange that I'm still in that same place emotionally. I guess it's necessary and par for personal growth, I just wish that the answers would reveal themselves in "my time" and not in "universal time". At any rate I'm grateful that I can be of service to someone that has been there for me through many important events in my life and has loved me unconditionally through it all. She's picked me up, brushed me off, propped me up, held me down, pushed me forward...loved me.

On another note, I am feeling like I need to make a transition in my life. Not sure what that is or looks like but feel it's coming. Just what I don't know. Do I stay in dance? If so where? Atlanta? L.A.? Do I go back to school and train for something new? If so, what? Something centered around dance? Completely different? Something creative? Something more practical? Well...that last one is just not me so that's out. I love dance but my body is not gonna last forever. Think I've said that before to. Trying to perceive myself through realistic eyes. Lot's of people want me to stay in Atlanta. Lot's of people want me to move back to L.A. but what do I want? Still not sure of that but do know that if I remain calm, connected, and clear that the answer will come...I just hope it comes soon. Hmmm...guess I could use some patience to even though it doesn't start with a "C".

Anew...

Lately I have had the opportunity to experience a down time. I'm usually an upbeat person and don't get down very often at all but during transitions I tend to feel that way. This past week and a bit has been one of those times where I have felt not of myself. I try to move through this time to in a mindset of learning. Some of the things I think about are...What am I here for? What is my purpose? What's next for me? How can I be more to people? How can I be creative? How can I change to become more realized? Of course the answers don't come as I would like them, that being in a beautifully illustrated manual with fantastic bound cover with a rustic charm to it. So I have to wait, think, reflect, imagine. I am in that mode using my patience, acceptance, friendships, experience, generosity, compassion. With varying levels of success I try to realize that I am who I am supposed to be at that certain moment. I am grateful for this time and at the same time would love for it to be gone. Tonight I took my first step aerobics class. I feel I need to get in shape and think this class could help. I know I'm a dancer and am in relatively good shape but dance does not keep me in the shape I'd like to be in...30" waist instead of 34" waist. Yes I am vain. It does go more than superficial though. I like the way I feel when I am leaner and svelte. I look better in my clothes, I move better and feel better when I move. I can wear the clothes I refer to as my skinny clothes that I used to wear on tour and feel great in. This step class is the first part in addition to eating better of the transformation of me. And...It helped with the way I feel.