explore-express-reveal

Here lately I've found myself swinging back and forth yet feeling like I'm standing still and a bit askew. Stagnating. I've been trying to keep myself involved in so many things and gratefully have done so, but in doing so have run myself into the ground energy wise. I really desire to be fully realized but am still unsure of what in/for or how...I know I want to be in creation. My mind is ramped with ideas. I press down on the pedal with one foot then slam on the breaks with the other. My mind thinks of dollar signs, but why should that impede my creative flow? A friend has recently said I should take a vacation and go to the beach. Take some time off and rest, write a show. I believe he is absolutely correct but I don't have a job so to speak so vacation seems a bit out of sorts. I love what I'm doing and in the process have been able to be of service to other people and express myself creatively. This somehow is not enough. That same friend expressed to me that I should think about who I am and how I want people to perceive me and he is right. For most of my career I've been known as an "A" list dancer in Los Angeles. I was fortunate to have a twenty two year dance career that took me all over the world allowing me to share what I love most with tens if not hundreds of thousands of people. I've seen myself dance on TV and on huge movie screens. I've gotten large sums of money for doing what I love and have been blessed with. For this life I am grateful. I am in the re-invention/continuum of my life. I am developing an intense love of editing and film making. I am yearning to direct. I have a desire to curate. I am surrounded by so many other artists that are wanting and needing to explore-express-reveal themselves and their art. I to want this for myself and for them. The quote "The moment in between what you once were and who you are now becoming is where the dance of life really takes place." by Barbara De Angelis are the words I need to keep in mind at this very moment.

What's in a word...

Recovery...look it up in the dictionary and it has several meanings or ways of explaining it. At the moment I am in Los Angeles being witness and helping in whatever way is needed my BFF Dori in her recovery from a surgery to remove a tumor from her brain. I know, shocking! Never thought I would know someone personally that would experience something like this. A brain tumor is something that happens to people on a soap opera like "One Life To Live". But alas someone I've known for 25 years has a scar across her head that is the evidence of this event happening in real life. She's doing well just two weeks after her surgery and I can hardly believe that she had "brain surgery". Of course experiencing something like this makes you think about what life really means. What purpose does your life serve? What can you do with your life now that you've survived this? Seeing Dori going through these feelings makes me think some of the same things. What am I doing with my life? My talent? My compassion? My heart? My love? How can I learn from what others have gone through? Who am I? Why am I? I know I've expressed this same thing in blog form before and it's strange that I'm still in that same place emotionally. I guess it's necessary and par for personal growth, I just wish that the answers would reveal themselves in "my time" and not in "universal time". At any rate I'm grateful that I can be of service to someone that has been there for me through many important events in my life and has loved me unconditionally through it all. She's picked me up, brushed me off, propped me up, held me down, pushed me forward...loved me.

On another note, I am feeling like I need to make a transition in my life. Not sure what that is or looks like but feel it's coming. Just what I don't know. Do I stay in dance? If so where? Atlanta? L.A.? Do I go back to school and train for something new? If so, what? Something centered around dance? Completely different? Something creative? Something more practical? Well...that last one is just not me so that's out. I love dance but my body is not gonna last forever. Think I've said that before to. Trying to perceive myself through realistic eyes. Lot's of people want me to stay in Atlanta. Lot's of people want me to move back to L.A. but what do I want? Still not sure of that but do know that if I remain calm, connected, and clear that the answer will come...I just hope it comes soon. Hmmm...guess I could use some patience to even though it doesn't start with a "C".

Anew...

Lately I have had the opportunity to experience a down time. I'm usually an upbeat person and don't get down very often at all but during transitions I tend to feel that way. This past week and a bit has been one of those times where I have felt not of myself. I try to move through this time to in a mindset of learning. Some of the things I think about are...What am I here for? What is my purpose? What's next for me? How can I be more to people? How can I be creative? How can I change to become more realized? Of course the answers don't come as I would like them, that being in a beautifully illustrated manual with fantastic bound cover with a rustic charm to it. So I have to wait, think, reflect, imagine. I am in that mode using my patience, acceptance, friendships, experience, generosity, compassion. With varying levels of success I try to realize that I am who I am supposed to be at that certain moment. I am grateful for this time and at the same time would love for it to be gone. Tonight I took my first step aerobics class. I feel I need to get in shape and think this class could help. I know I'm a dancer and am in relatively good shape but dance does not keep me in the shape I'd like to be in...30" waist instead of 34" waist. Yes I am vain. It does go more than superficial though. I like the way I feel when I am leaner and svelte. I look better in my clothes, I move better and feel better when I move. I can wear the clothes I refer to as my skinny clothes that I used to wear on tour and feel great in. This step class is the first part in addition to eating better of the transformation of me. And...It helped with the way I feel.

Active and open...

I asitting at my desk and vibrating with creativity. After seeing the Salvador Dali' exhibit at the High Museum today I have been invigorated. Of course having tattoos of several Dali' images you know that he is my favorite artist and today being surrounded by his work I felt connected even more. He was so prolific, so confident, so paranoid, so in love. And amazing. I went with my girls Jenny and Pam which brought an extra added layer of joy to the morning and afterward went to eat and had fun convo and of course laughs. This past couple months I've been busy doing many things. I turned another year riper, I've worked on a film, I've traveled out of state to teach, I've judge a singing competition, I've visited L.A., I've seen amazing performance art, I choreographed a video for Pink Magazine, I acted as consultant on a music video for Fallon and Felisha, I've finished a dance for 32 young dancers, I directed Celebrity Dance Challenge, I saw the Dalai Lama, I was on Better Mornings Atlanta, I connected with friends from my past, I started a dance for Gathering Wild Dance Company, I choreographed a wedding dance, and Friday I start rehearsal for an NFL halftime show for GA Lottery...I say all this cause at times I forget how full my life is and has been. My trip to L.A. was an eye opener to how I feel about living in Atlanta. I've lived here for 3 years and it's finally home to me. I do love L.A. for many reasons with the most important one being that my longest and deepest friendships remain there but Atlanta is home. I have many friendships here and am surrounded by loving and supportive people. I have taken root by tilling my soil and trying not to get root rot by being complacent or closed off (with varying levels of success). If I remain open, giving, and in forward motion without letting negativity creep in my mind or heart then I'm growing. I'm so grateful for all of the gifts that my life in Atlanta has given me and look forward to more being revealed.

Recycling life...and living again.

Here I sit in Starbucks on Santa Monica Bl. in West Hollywood. I decided to take a mini vacation which I've been putting off for several months. Since I've become an independent contractor again so much has been happening. The latest thing and probably the most out of left field was being direct booked on the remake of "Footloose". I ended up working in two scenes. One in a cowboy bar and one out on a farm at night. I got to work with Jamal Sims and Dondraiko Johnson and had a blast. These guys are so easy to work with. I can't express how grateful I am to them to have me be a part of "Footloose". From the fitting on it brought me in contact with people that I know from my life in L.A. The wardrobe assistant was Bob Mackie's assistant when I did the last Cher show in Vegas and was a treat to see his face again. As I was leaving the fitting I passed a wall of photos from the original "Footloose" which were of my friend Peter Tramm who was Kevin Bacon's dance double and who has since passed on...it gave me a sense of connection to my past and present at the same time. Life is truly cyclical. Then one of the dancers they hired from L.A. was in the movie to, Nanci Anderson. I've known her since she was 19 and we danced in Hysterica Dance Company together. So amazing and beautiful to see her in her womaness. Now here I am in L.A. visiting and enjoying the 90 degree weather, surrounded by screenwriter working on scripts. The sun is beaming through the window and casting intense stripes on the people standing in front of me. The energy of creation and hope is darting around the room. Familiar faces passing by, faces from my past and my future. Loving being connected to the life around me.

Sit. Wait. Seek.

So it's been revealed to me in the past few...that I am sitting, waiting, wondering. Not sure about where, for what or about what. I can say that it's not a comfortable place to be in and I am seeking. I've been stuffy headed for about a week now and hate it. Today is really bad. Sniffling. Blowing. Eyes bulging and glazed. Hate it. It's also been revealed to me that I really do want someone in my life to share myself with and to share in someone else's life experience. I am in a middle place. Looking forward and back. Needing to move but stuck to the ground. Wanting to create but uninspired. Fortunately I've been in this place before and know that it will change but it's not so fab while here. Today I went to craigslist and looked at the job listings. I have never had a "normal" job as I've said before but am in need of a cash flow. Teaching dance is not something that I am wanting to use to sustain life for my body rebels a bit with every class. My mind needs to step up to the plate and take up the slack. I've used my body to generate income since I was 22 and I am not 22 at the present moment. Good thing is that I am willing to open myself up to possibility and I welcome change. A dear friend of mine has recently made a decision that has caused huge change in her life and although she experienced a rough spot in her transition filled with fear and doubt, she has emerged with a new understanding of herself and a renewed outlook on her life. I have another close friend that is in a similar situation as I. Wanting change, needing to make decisions that will bring huge change to her life. What? Where? When? Now. I am grateful that I am not alone. I have learned over the years that making decisions based on emotions such as fear is not something that is recommended nor brings about healthy change. So I sit. Wait. Seek.

So You Think...

Here I sit at the Toronto airport at 7 am waiting to go back to Atlanta. I'm listening to Annie Lennox and am remarkably awake. The task of creating a Bollywood number for SYTYCD Canada is complete although I did less creating and more cleaning and clarifying which is something that I've done many year of in my career. Longinus' creative process is one of rapid ideas and concepts flying out onto the dancers with varying degrees of definitive information. He likes to create sections then go back and detail and there is a lot of detail. It was interesting and challenging considering his accent and the rapidity of his speech but once we got the entire dance finished it was easier to nail down those details he was looking for. The dancers did a great job adapting to any changes that were necessary including a major one of shifting positions when the Executive Producer Sandra Fair wanted the costumes arranged in a certain color pattern and performed the dance fantastically. The crew were so beautifully welcoming from the the drivers Julie, Tim, Alex to wardrobe Lee to producer Millan, an amazing man with the most gentle demeanor and kind spirit and loved the work we did. Longinus is an amazing man as well. So gracious, loving, supportive and funny. We had so much fun rehearsing, sharing dinner time, watching TV together and he gave me great advice and encouragement. Then yesterday toward the end of the day I was sitting in the break room waiting for the time to shoot and I see Sean Cheesman walk by. His name jumped from my mouth and flew across the room with almost embarrassing volume. I've known Sean for 20 years and to see him there was a super surprise. Sean was always an amazing dancer, working with MJ, Paula, Janet, Prince, the list goes on and on and he's a sweet person. Now he's a resident choreographer for SYTYCDC and also guests on the American version of the show. It's always great to see a familiar face and feel that common energy of having shared the same space, time and career. After the day was complete I got to share some time with Sean and Longi over dinner. Sean and I could not remember when or how we had first met each other...well it was 20 years ago, but Sean is one of those people that I've just always known. I find in the dance world that you intermingle with other dancers with such random lengths of time whether it's at an audition, a commercial or film shoot, a tour, or a club that it's like we just share space and time that has no beginning or end. After dinner Longi and I went back to watch the show and Sean had choreographed a musical theater piece set to a song from "Wicked" and let me tell you...It Was Wicked!!! His choreography, staging, and partnering elements were simply dynamic and amazing. It was by far the best piece of the evening. And then I went to bed and here I am about to board the plane back to Atlanta filled with gratitude, inspiration, and nostalgia.